Calm reflection, peace, and other musings

Sunday, 29 August 2010

About Me

Today is quite a sucky day weather wise. The days of 20C+ are most likely gone for the year, and all we have to look forward to are the arrival of the cold and quiet winter days ahead. Funny thing is, I’m actually looking forward to some of that. The past few years of my life have been somewhat tumultuous, and I am yearning for simple, quiet, peace. In many ways, marriage between two people is three edged sword. Yes, I’m quoting from Babylon 5. There is your side, the other person’s side, and the truth. Only thing is, the truth is perceived differently by both sides. In the end, marriage can be one of the most beautiful things on this earth. However, have you ever seen what two animals do to each other and themselves when they are not compatible and you toss them inside a cage that is too small for the both of them? The nastiest parts of both animals come to the fore.

That is what happened between us over the past few years. We are both very much unhappy. We both tried so hard to make it work, and in the end, we are both hurting because there is nothing we seem to be able to do to be happy and be with the other one. I know that over the past few months I have been moving to a better place in my mind and soul. I have started down the path of peace and calm reflection. A path I used to be on, and have been missing for too long now. I know that you will be hurting for a long time, and I don’t blame you. In some weird twisted way I am glad and sad the same time. I am glad that our relationship meant enough that it does hurt, yet I am so very sad to see you hurting. Every time I see you hurting I just wish there was magic to make it go away. Yet there is so very little that I can do.

Yesterday I was walking through a park, and happened upon a nice little spot. The 12 enclosed cabin had a fireplace. It was getting a little cold, and just starting to rain, so decided to take some shelter. I remember feeling disappointed that I did not happen to have any matches or other fire producing material handy. However, upon looking in the fireplace, I noticed that the people before me did not put out their fire completely. There were still some embers glowing. With a little dry wood and some pine needles, I managed to get the fire going. I ended up sitting on a bench, warming myself, and letting the fire give my mind the calm and soothing interaction it needed. A complete stranger walked into the cabin, somewhat soaked. She sat down on the other end of the bench. Not a single word was spoken, we simply tended to the fire and sat there soaking in the warmth.

At one point I was crying. The stranger didn’t even ask why. She simply came and held me while I spent what was left of my tears. I don’t remember how long we were there. After collecting myself, I stood up to get some more firewood. When I got back to the fire, the stranger had left. Without being able to thank them for giving me the one thing that I so desperately needed at that time. The world is a funny place. You worry and fear the worst. You fear of being alone, to die without anyone present, without anyone there to hold you while you face the final fear. Yet you know that the cage both you and your partner are in will kill one or both of you. So you move forward, face the fear and push on. Hoping that in the end things will be ok, that friends won’t think worse of you and your choices in life. Then when you hit rock bottom, somehow, someone or something sends you an angel to hold you and let you put another part of life behind you. Whoever you were, thank you. May I be given the chance to return the hug.