One thousand days. Or in more common terms, 2 years, 8 months, and 27 days. That’s how long it took to go from excited, all-in, learning like there is no tomorrow, to today. Today things are very different. As matter of fact, writing this is very hard. Both the energy and ethusiasm required, as well as the emotions present make this a rather difficult thing to do. But as they say, recognizing your issue is the first step to recovery. So here goes. I’m burned out.

Ok, I’m close. Very close. Not quite as bad as has happened in the past. At least I’m starting to recognize the signs. Although I do wish that I recognized them earlier than this late. In many ways, life is going well. Better than ever. I work for a company that I really enjoy working for. I mean, the bulk of the people actually want to do things right. They are passionate about what they do, and more importantly, they are passionate about how they do things. Just getting to the goal is not acceptable, the path is as important. I can’t stress how important this has become to me in the past 1000 days.

I’ve not been on a motorcycle for several months. I don’t feel like my mind is in a headspace conducive with being able to pay enough attention to make going out for a ride something very safe. There used to be a lot more “get up and go” in my demeanor on the weekend. I’d be coding some up, or heading out for an extended walk. Something, anything. For the last 3 weeks, I’ve been barely getting up for my saturday gym. I force myself to make it. Yesterday was close. I actually sent the “I’m late email”, and it almost become a “I’m not making it” email instead. I can actually see myself cancelling on some of my gym time this week. Really hoping it does not come to that. This past friday I woke up, and 30 minutes later had a full blown panic attack. Yippie, fun. At least this time I recognized what it was.

So now what? How do I get off this path? Do I lock myself into a faraday cage, ignore all work? Do I go in to work, and hand back my recent promotion? Will this all end up costing me more than my sanity? Why are hard choices always there when you’re ill equipped to deal with them?

At this point I’m not sure how I’m going to handle this all. Even writing this post is hard. I’m sitting here alternating between being an emotional mess, and worrying what will happen when I publish this. Of course, the smart thing would be to not publish this, at least not in the state I’m currently in. However, part of my therapy is writing these things down, and being able to re-read them again later on. A diary may be more private option… which in the end rarely gives me any feedback. Another part of my therapy and method of working through these things is to get feedback from a broad set of people.

Things I know at this point:

• I miss myself, the part of me that that can see the fun in whatever is going on. Being able to swear at the world, and then turn around and try to make it better. I look at my passion over the last few months, and I hate what I’ve become.
• Going away and relaxing is a chore. I’m back in the mindset of wanting to go see places, but always getting the excuse that “things are too busy”, “it will take too much energy”, and “it would be nice if I had time”. Where is the passion I had to explore?
• I worry about everything. The anxiety train is not far off. When I try to turn this off, it invariably ends up with me in the “don’t care” camp, which is not me. This then stresses me out even more, causing more unhappy emotions.

Do I quit? Of late I’ve been keeping a “RageQuit Level” of sorts, somewhat like the DEFCON levels.

• RQ-5 : Life is roses. Kittens are everywhere. Pigs are flying. All customers happy. I wake up eager to taste the world.
• RQ-4 : Life as normal. There are a few WTF style moments. For the most part, a good vacation gets me all the way back into RQ-5. Hell, even an awesome weekend can get me back to be fully charged.
• RQ-3 : Life is somewhat stressful. This is the tipping point. You can straddle this one for a while. Myself, I find I can be on this level for several months. Fully unplugging for 3 weeks usually gets me back out of this level. There is a lot to say about this level, it’s usually where my mood starts to turn. I get more snippy, and seek solace in being with more friends (I’m usually pretty solitary). This is the level I wish people would listen.
• RQ-2 : Life sucks. I’m not happy with myself. Stress gets to the point where I’m quietly angry. At myself more than others. Unfortunately, much of the time this should be where I should be talking more forcefully with management (or whomever can change the environment I’m stressing in), to make them aware of the unacceptable issues. My nature during this level of stress is to usually be quiet. The other problem is that I usually have a hard time expressing exactly what it is that is causing me grief.
• RQ-1 : Life ends. Or begins. Unsure. I don’t remember really the last time this happened. Seeing this level loom, I’m positive that life will not be the same. Unsure if this means it will end and I’ll make the biggest mistake of my life, or if it will be the beginning of healing and getting back to somewhere above RQ-3.

There is another option. FlameOut. Actually reaching RQ-1 means that I take an active part in reaching that last level. Short of having a temper that you can’t control, or impulse issues, reaching RQ-1 requires an active part on my side. There are any number of colorful methods (FlipTable, DropMike, etc) to achieve that last level. While FlameOut is usually a less actively involved option. You simple descend into uselessness in a manner that will usually result in your ass getting canned, you ending up at some sort of medical facility, or otherwise being unable to work.

At this point I’m very squarely in the RQ-2 camp. Not just at the start of it, but close to either RQ-1, or descending down that last slope towards FlameOut. I’m recognizing that I need help to get myself out of this level, and it’s really scaring me. The best scenario is that my current workplace and I have a frank discussion, and look for a solution that serves me best. I would hope that whatever serves me best will also be in the best interests of the company. However, it is terrifying to admit your weeknesses at the start of a negotiation. Considering the amount of money on the table, I’m more terrified than I was going through my divorce a few years ago. Of course, this is not helping my current state of mind, nor my ability to form rational calm thoughts to derive reasonable decisions from.

It is with a very sad heart that I write this last paragraph. I see my end at Twitter in sight. I’m not hopeful that the current management will be listening enough to realize that they have only one chance to avert the inevitable. Either through reaching RQ-1, or FlameOut, I see the end. An end that I really wish was much further off. A thousand days simply is not enough time.