We all do it. Sometimes we know immediately that we overstepped bounds. Other times a colleague or manager lets us know. Other times some entity like “HR”, or “Employee Relations” give us a call. Oh shit. I fucked up.

How should you handle this type of situation? I’m sure that there are many options: denial, escalation, avoidance, deflection, etc. Everyone’s situation is going to be different. Me telling you how to a handle a situation you’re in a particular way, is unlikely to get you the same outcome. I’m a straight, white, somewhat older male individual that is afforded quite a bit of privilege over many other people and situations. Even so, I’ve screwed up many times. Sometimes to the point where I’m genuinely surprised I’ve not been fired. Here is how I approach this situation.

First, stop and listen. Seriously, just stop, shut up, and listen. The individual coming to you is already feeling uncomfortable. They SHOULDN’T have to do this! You are the one that done fucked up! So, first stop and listen. This is highly uncomfortable. Realize that if your colleague is the one talking to you, they are doing you a HUGE favour. Respect that choice and be grateful. Once they are done explaining to you what they’ve come to say, thank them. Seriously, this could have gone so much differently. They are giving you feedback. Hard feedback to be sure, but feedback. They are being vulnerable about how you hurt them. How you’ve transgressed. So, thank them for the feedback, AND MEAN IT.

Second, make sure you understand. Understand what you did that is being called out. Understand that it is making them uncomfortable, or even hurting them. It is not for you to judge if it should hurt them, or if they’re just being sensitive. You hurt them. You made them uncomfortable. If you’re not able to get to this point, the rest of this article means nothing, go away and don’t bother reading the rest of this.

Third, apologize. This is the most vulnerable part of this process. You can’t just say “Sorry you feel that way”, or “I’m sorry that I made you feel that way”. Nope. You. Got. To. Own. It. All of it. You done fucked up! This one is on you. Not on how they feel. Not on some other situation. Not on some cultural difference. Not on “That’s just the way I am”. Nope. You fucked up. Own it.

• “I’m sorry. I fucked up and what I did was unacceptable.”

That’s it. To the point and owning it. Mean it. Quick side note, you actually have to mean it. We humans are very finely tuned animals, we can usually tell if someone is not being sincere. Yes, this will be uncomfortable. You’re going to admit that something you did was wrong. You’re going to admit that and the consequences may be dire. However, what comes next is likely to be just as painful. Reparations. Making it right. It means change, follow up and follow through.

Fourth, let them know you will do better. Offer to be the one that provides the appropriate changes to make the hurt party be as safe as possible and give them the time to heal. Recognize that they will need to process everything as well. You’ve violated their trust, earning that back may not be possible. It is entirely up to them if they wish to extend you their trust again. Reparations may mean leaving a team you love to give the other party the space they need. It may mean leaving the company… It will mean having a critical look at your behaviour and making changes. It will mean learning new behaviours, or unlearning old ones. It means growing. Growing can be painful. Growing can be uncomfortable.

Fifth, take some time for yourself. Learning and growing is a lifelong goal. Sometimes that means taking a hard look at oneself and deciding which parts of ourselves we are proud of, and which parts we wish to improve.